God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t