God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
This kid is going places
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.