God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.