god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
i will avenge u mr van gogh