God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
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alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My safe word is Worcestershire
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.