[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!