[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Are these grass-fed oranges?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…