[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
just make the entire table out of coaster
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up