[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.