God making man in his image was the original selfie
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.