[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Kids, do not try this at home!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.