[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
😩😩😩
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”