god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You Might Also Like
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Its a hippotatomus
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣