God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.