God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Autocarrot sucks!
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight