GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.