[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
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This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.