GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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excuse me
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.