God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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#parenting
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes