God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My favorite female superhero
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here