GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.