Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.