god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Worlds greatest photobomb
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head