god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.