God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Did…did a minotaur write this
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today