God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.