God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
*offers Batman cough drops*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.