GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
birds and squirrels envy us
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
#parenting