God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.