God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*