God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.![]()
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I鈥檓 sorry I鈥檓 still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I only say stupid things when I talk.