Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

I only say stupid things when I talk.