God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ACED my prostate exam!
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Brb my Sims are getting married
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄