GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The struggle is real.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.