God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
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Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?