God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Potatoes were such a good idea
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me