God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
marvel comics have peaked
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved