GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
What about a To-Don’t List?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Hot Hot Hot
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.