God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
A fake ID that makes you younger
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag