GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes