God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I’m not lazy
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
A great tip. #CakeRex
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Happy Febuary everyone!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Growing up was a huge mistake
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock