god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
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*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Twitter because there鈥檚 no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Tier 3 meme
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Never let kids google names of Pok茅mon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss鈥檚 office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
You don鈥檛 have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I鈥檓 swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Waiter: hi I鈥檓 Dave and I鈥檒l be taking care of you
Me: I鈥檝e been hurt before, dave
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.