GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’m aging like a fine banana
real
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.