GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
how high up are we talkin’?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.