[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum