God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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They’re not wrong
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.