@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

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@ShortSleeveSuit

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

@TopherKearby

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

@iwearaonesie

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

@murrman5

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

@Rollinintheseat

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

@zachreinert0

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

@Smug_Lemur

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

@jollyrobber

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

@Whatevah_Amy

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

@DrakeGatsby

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.