God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
mom gave me mine for free
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
birds and squirrels envy us
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door