God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
🚲+physics = winner
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
For those that worship cheese..
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁