God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.