GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing