God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.