God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.